On Coldness.

Updated: May 13, 2020

We may often find ourselves arrested by a plethora of appealing yet dreadfully flawed notions, and at the vertex of such terrible concepts are ones that pertain to our social behaviours. Amongst those blemished social manners is one that has manifested itself out of pure misconceptions; the unnecessary portrayal of coldness. A deed carried toward individuals which we would deem unworthy of our consideration, or to those whom we are not in good terms with.

The utilization of a dry tone in our everyday lives has grown exponentially abundant, and alas, we seldom ponder the calamities of such actions and their impacts on our mental stability and others as well.

The concept of coldness is rich in simplicity, devised to display to the receiving party of it that either A) they are not yet deserving of our attention, or B) The receiving end has angered us or saddened us, and coldness, therefore, endeavours to demonstrate to them their current/or new worth. However, by keenly observing the two motives mentioned above one is easily capable of pinning down the erroneousness in both.

In case (A) one may defend themselves by saying “I’m only being formal…” mistaking coldness and formality is a grave human error that of recent times became awfully common. Consider these two illustrations, for instance,

Situation One: X: Hey, how are you? Y: Fine, you?

Situation Two: X: Hey, how are you? Y: Hello, I’m well, how about you?

Situation One is evidently dry and immediately renders the dialogue exhausted, for “x” would no longer feel welcomed to push the conversation forward. Considering Situation Two, however, while being direct, it has an iota of empathy, recognition, and acceptance, one would feel greeted and well-received to entertain their thoughts without feeling stigmatized or undermined.

In case (B) the reasoning lays a profound fault in the difference between how we are ought to tackle our differences with friends and other members of our social groups and how we actually deal with it. If a friend or a colleague instigated a motion that sent your anxiety levels over the roof or just simply made you uncomfortable they shouldn’t be countered with utter indifference and coldness but rather the polar opposite, their actions should be met with an understanding mind and a devoted heart to listen and converse. We often observe this happening in between relationships, or friendships, and it is often the reason why couples split, and friendships diminish, it’s not that the two made each other sad, but instead that the two failed to communicate clearly and adequately.

If a relationship of ours reaches an alarmingly unfortunate state, and if all attempts to preserve it ends in relentless failure, one might elect the urge to fuel its remaining days with coldness until it finally becomes utterly exhausted and dies. The flaw of opting for coldness in this situation is unpretentious but quite incautious.

All of our attachments are memorable. Friendships and Romantic relationships are both merited to joyous memories, annoyingly loud laughter and a great sense of love and acceptance. Hence, if the circumstances tighten and reduce what was once a strong bond into a toxic, draining and sad state of affairs. One is ought to appreciate what that relation once meant, and on one final act of respect, a person must show acute coherence and state its conclusion in a respectful manner. This way, even though the accumulation drove a treasured person onto an abrupt departure of our lives, their light and good deeds are saved for if ever a memory was triggered it would bring a smile to our otherwise gloomy lives, and not sheer displeasure and irritation.

The portrayal of coldness is reliant upon a misconception of “Worth.” It functions as a need for one party to establish superiority over another, or it is a mean we devised to simply exhibit to those who recently entered our lives or to ones we share a damaged attachment with their current standings in our prestigious ladder of care. And while coldness isn’t limited to an attention cry or the establishment of dominance, its existence means deep trouble for our social relationships.


*This an opinion-based article that lacks any scientific research. Therefore, no references will be stated.

Suggested books on the topic:

1-Difficult Conversations by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, and Sheila Heen, 1999. Reviews based on Goodreads: 4.1/5

2-The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara Pease, 2004. Reviews based on Goodreads: 4/5

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